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Feb. 25th, 2009



Jan. 6th, 2008

stop it.

 manhood rocks. ok so i avoid leading a really nice person on by being distant and realized that i shouldnt fall in like until i know them as a person....that and ive been interested in someone new for quite some time. im not going to get my hopes up because my happiness does not hinge on the acceptance of a woman. it hinges on what i eat for breakfast.

Dec. 15th, 2007


besides receiving (or not receiving) all of the sycophantic formalities, this birthday was totally average.

ive been trying to do this whole man thing but its hard. i cant quit but it sucks. like i really cant be whiny. it sad though. i still cant take off my mask. im afraid its becoming my new face. 

too many goddamn  phonies.

im sitting here slowly losing my mind. i cant sleep. i cant think i can only ramble. im in solitary all right. heres something sick. i still have an imaginary friend. she is not liistening. what does this mean?   

sometimes i wish i never joined the club and created a screen name. computers are the source of my frustrations. machines are evil. sleep. sweet sleep....im gonna go try and sleep, watch some porn, and see if i can try to dream about being normal and not a creep.

Dec. 4th, 2007

the problem with vespas

is that im not quite sure i want to ride on or in anything right now. joanna is way too nice for me to pull a fickle move. i dont think i will but i dont want to risk it. it would be smart for me to just be friends with her for now until im like sure. if its one thing i learned about myself is that im never satisfied. if i dont want everything im denying everything that comes my way. its fair. it prevents me from hurting someones feelings. the odd thing is i feel like shit and im not going to complain. i dont have the right anymore. i complain about people and what they make me feel like but i think i know an unavoidable truth now. ive tried to change people in my own small way but the fact of the matter is i cant do it. some people change for the worse and for the better. some people stay true to who they are and some are still the children they always were. i cant sit in my comfort zone anymore. as corny as this sounds i think ive reached my last moments of absolute boyhood. because ive grown and because ive stayed the same. because ive been hurt and healed. ive been changed for good. so goodbye relics. ive tried to hold on for too long. sometimes you need to grow up. boys are always going to be alone. but men learn to rely on one person. men learn to let other rely on them.  we know were im going with this. 

i think i should take a walk. sure ill test out a scooter and maybe a bicycle. anything thatll keep me on the sidewalk and away from streets or train tracks. 

i will never wish hell on anyone anymore...

right now im...void...and maybe thats a good thing. its better than killing my time with porn, self loathing, and bad spending habits. in another world i would have been the worlds greatest action hero. i would be a cunning, chain smoking detective with a five movie franchise. id never die and no matter how bad theyd hurt me id never die. in fact in the next movie you would all wonder where my scars went. id live for chaos. id be stupid with the nerve. id always be cool. id proabably still be shitty with women and id still look like a monkey but at least i wouldnt be a typical self loathing virgin.

i wonder what high school would have been like as the holy virgin. 

sex and masturbation is overrated. why when i have so many toys. 

i need to clean my room, end christmas, and shoot myself in the head on december 9th.. hehe im so funny....

one my friends felt bad for me so she set me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. joy. the last blind date i went on the girl was kind of a dick and she was totally bored by me. i wish i wasnt so damn average and common.........its....so easy though. good night. i think im going to leave so i can hate all of the people i know. im way too disappointed in everyone.

Dec. 2nd, 2007

who can say if ive been changed for the better?

you know it sickening how lazy ive become. how selfish and self righteous i can be. im always preaching about how screwed up people are...but to be honest, ive chosen to embody the things i hate about people. anger. apathy. ive been trying to be good. i really have been. ive been trying to be the bigger man but the next person i want to talk to just becomes "the next good deed." 

after four years of trying to figure out who i want to be i have one query.

what is good? what does that mean. whats a bad person?

im done trying to be what i dont understand. it just makes me hate myself for being a hypocrite

ive no morals. no work ethic.

why do i love people but at the same time i wish bad on them. all i know is im sorry for it. one of the worst things a person can do is wish bad. ugh why do people trust me?

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